Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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