Just took my morning after pill in the library
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
