the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
