I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
