I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
