My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
