$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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