Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
