i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
