That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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