I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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