I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
