best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
