Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
