If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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