Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
