That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
