its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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