she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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