you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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