I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone came in the potted fern
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
