I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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