I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
