also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
