based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
