So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize