i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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