My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
