I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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