GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
