And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
