I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
