Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
