i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
