Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
