You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
