He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize