Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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