the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
