THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
