We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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