i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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