the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
