I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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