Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude