i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
