my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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