Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Drunk is not a location!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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