my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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