i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
