I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
