I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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