I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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