My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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