Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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