You just made me feel so damn special
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
