It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
