Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
