I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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